Self-Permission is a Portal to Aliveness

Radiance Code 17: I give myself permission to want what I want - without shutting it down - trusting that my desires reveal what brings me alive.

When Something in Me Lights Up

This past week, I had one of those small but revealing moments that, on the surface, seems inconsequential, but in reality exposes a much deeper pattern.

I was prompted to look up a jazz artist I’ve always loved to see whether he was still producing music. That simple curiosity led me to discover that he is, in fact, performing at a smooth jazz festival in the Algarve, Portugal. As you may know, I love jazz—especially smooth jazz—and I have also been committed to exploring more of Portugal, having spent time in Lisbon, Comporta and Cascais.

My immediate reaction was simple and clear: I would love to go.

I checked the dates and saw that I had nothing scheduled that week. From a purely logistical standpoint, it was possible. And yet, almost as quickly as the desire arose, I felt a strong internal resistance. My mind began moving ahead of me, assembling a series of arguments that were clearly designed to arrive at a predetermined conclusion.

It’s too indulgent.
It’s too expensive.
What else (more important) could I do with that money?
This isn’t necessary. I traveled overseas not long ago.

How Quickly I Say “No”

What struck me was not the content of these thoughts—I’ve heard versions of them many times before—but their speed and authority. They did not present themselves as considerations; they presented themselves as conclusions. And I could feel, almost in real time, the initial excitement being overridden by a familiar pattern of self-denial.

But this time, I caught it.

I noticed the sequence as it was unfolding: the desire, the immediate counterargument, and the quiet disappointment that follows when something is shut down before it has even been fully considered.

And instead of allowing that sequence to complete itself, I interrupted it.

Not by forcing a different decision, but by shifting the question.

I realized that the usual question—“Why not?”—is actually part of the problem. It invites justification, defense, and ultimately rejection. It places the desire on trial before it has even been understood.

So I asked a different question: Why does this really appeal to me?

That question opened rather than closed the inquiry.

As I sat with it, I could feel very clearly what was drawing me in. It wasn’t simply the idea of a trip. It was the experience itself—the music, the atmosphere, the sensuality of being somewhere beautiful and immersed in joyous sound, the continuity of exploring a place that already resonates with me, and the feeling of stepping into something that would expand my sense of aliveness. I knew there would be a community of other music lovers to meet, excited and united in the quest to enjoy it all --as I would be. Heck, perhaps my own friends in Portugal can come on down too. And Life is short. My life is getting shorter…fast. I have time now to appreciate it and flow.

In other words, there was coherence in the desire. My inner vibrations were humming. And I realized that it felt far more generative to explore that coherence than to immediately default to shutting it down.

So rather than resolving the question, I made a much smaller but more meaningful move: I paused the internal objections and gave myself permission to consider the possibility.

In practical terms, that meant I booked a refundable ticket—with a bit of a giggle, because I could feel how unusual this was for me to ground my desire this way.

But I had not decided to go. I had decided not to shut it down.

And that distinction is the essence of this Radiance Code.

Deserving, Guilt, and the Quiet “Someday”

What I am beginning to understand is that the issue is not simply that we deny ourselves certain experiences. More often, we deny ourselves permission at a much earlier stage. We do not allow a desire to exist long enough to be explored, understood, or even felt.

As women, we are particularly conditioned to subject our desires to immediate scrutiny. We assess whether we deserve what we want. We weigh our desires against the needs of others. There is almost always someone we love who seems to need or deserve something more than we do, and we quietly place ourselves last in that equation.

We also defer ourselves in time. Not now. Maybe next year. When things settle down. When it makes more sense. And sometimes, more vaguely and more dangerously: someday.

Layered into this is guilt—the subtle but persistent sense that choosing for ourselves is, in some way, excessive or unjustified. That wanting something simply because we want it requires a level of permission we have not yet earned.

The Difference Between Discernment and Dismissal

As creatives, this pattern extends into expression. We push off the book, the painting, the performance, the idea. We tell ourselves that the timing is not right, that we need more clarity, more skill, more certainty. And in doing so, we deny ourselves the very process through which clarity, skill, and confidence are developed.

None of this means that every desire should be acted upon immediately or without discernment. There are, in fact, moments when we will arrive at sound and grounded reasons why now is not the time, or why other priorities legitimately take precedence.

But that discernment can only happen after the desire has been fully explored.

A desire should never be quickly dismissed.

There is information in it. There is texture in it. There is a kind of juiciness in it that deserves to be squeezed with engagement—both thoughtfully and emotionally.

When we take the time to stay with a desire, to turn it over, to feel into it, we begin to understand what it is actually pointing toward. Sometimes it is the experience itself. Sometimes it is a deeper need—rest, stimulation, connection, beauty, expansion.

And sometimes, simply allowing the desire to exist changes our relationship to it entirely. We feel ourselves more.

The Shift

The shift, for me, is this:

Permission is not something that comes after evaluation and justification. It is something that must be granted at the very beginning, in order for any meaningful evaluation to occur.

Desire, in this sense, is not a problem to be solved. It is information. It is a signal that something in me is reaching toward a particular kind of experience, one that may carry resonance, meaning, or expansion.

That does not mean every desire must be acted upon. It does mean that it deserves to be explored before it is dismissed.

As for that trip, I am still considering it, and letting it breathe within me for a while. I’m also opening myself to the possibility of other experiences that can generate those same feelings — of beauty, creativity, the arts and shared experiences with kindred spirits. There’s a soulful writing group in Tuscany, Italy later this year….imagine that…

Radiance Practice

The next time you feel a desire arise—whether it is for an experience, a change, or a creative act—notice how quickly your mind moves to evaluate or dismiss it.

Before you follow that reflex, pause.

Allow the desire to exist without immediately justifying or rejecting it.

Then ask yourself:

• What about this is drawing me in?

• What does this represent for me?

• If I set aside guilt and obligation for a moment, how do I actually feel about this?

• What would it look like to explore this without committing to it?

Permission is not the final step.

It is the opening.

And it is one you can choose to give yourself.

Love,

Angelique

For more about the Emergence Codes and the Radiance Codes, I welcome you to explore prior posts.

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